


fix und fertig

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [12]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Baby Five, Communication, Emotional Constipation, Everyone Has Issues, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Alternating, POV Luther Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, Secrets, Sibling Love, Soft Luther Hargreeves, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Teenage Rebellion, Young Number Five | The Boy, everybody needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29262003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: "I just don't get it," Luther said. "Everything was going so well. You were picking up new hobbies. The boy scouts. You were…""I was what?" Five said. "Acting like a 'real' kid?""I guess you still are," Luther said, scratching his chin. "Real kids rebel and stuff."Five rolled his eyes.___________________Or, Five has a secret and Luther does his best.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 67
Kudos: 85





	1. Progress is progress

_If you are unable to understand the cause of a problem, it is impossible to solve it._

_– Naoto Kan_

  
  


As soon as Five warped into the kitchen he realized his mistake. 

Luther and Allison were arguing. 

“So which is it?!” Luther yelled. “You can’t have it both ways!” 

Allison spotted Five first and plastered on a smile. “Five! Hey!” 

Luther startled, spinning around. “Oh… Five.” 

Five straightened his tie. “I see I have bad timing,” he said. “I’ll make myself scarce.” 

“No, no!” Allison said. “You're my Valentine, we- let’s go out. Just you and me.” 

She glanced at Luther, directing towards him a smile which held a particular kind of venom, and added, “Since Luther has a date.” 

Five shook his head. “We can do that later. You two just… carry on.” 

And he blinked into another room.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five wasn’t stupid. He knew what the conflict was. But there was also this nagging feeling at the back of his mind, a vague certainty, that he’d forgotten something important. What _was_ it? And what would it solve?

When Allison flew back to New York she did not take the problem with her. Luther obsessed over her like a divorcée with an ax to grind. 

“And she said Valentine’s Day should be a family holiday!” Luther ranted. “A family holiday?!” 

Klaus had mastered the art of sympathetically nodding. “The nerve of that woman.” 

“That’s just,” Ben looked embarrassed, he paused- as if reconsidering his words- but then continued. “That’s what you say when you don’t have a date.” 

Ben and Vanya had made the trip to California this time. They, and Allison, were the members of the family who’d born the holiday date-less. 

“Am I being unreasonable?” Luther said. “Should I have cancelled my date?” 

“Of course not,” Five said. _“She’s_ the unreasonable one.” 

“Amen!” Klaus said. 

“But maybe you should have warned her?” Ben said. “Told her about it ahead of time?” 

“Nuh uh!” Klaus said. “If I were you and my… and she _hadn’t_ expected me to have a date, I would have been insulted!” 

Luther sighed. “No, I probably should have told her. I just… I didn’t even know she was going to _be_ in New York for Valentine’s Day. I mean, after last year…” 

Five nodded. 

“What happened last year?” Ben said. 

Klaus giggled. “They got mistaken for a cute little family.” 

“Huh?” Ben said. 

“A waitress thought I was their son,” Five said. “Allison flipped out.” 

“She likes to say it’s all about her _image,”_ Klaus said. “Oh, she just couldn’t live with the shame of it!” 

“I’m confused,” Ben said.

“You don’t think that’s the reason?” Luther stared at Klaus with an expression that mingled hope and horror. “She said… but I guess it doesn’t matter now.” 

“Guys, I’m _so_ confused,” Ben said. 

“I’ll explain it to you later,” Five said. 

“Anywho!” Klaus said. “How was your date? Did she put out? Did’ja touch tongues?” 

“Don’t be crass,” Five said. 

“Did she like the bear?” Ben asked. Before Luther could answer, Ben turned to Klaus and added, “I helped him make a really cute one at Build A Bear Workshop.” 

“I think _you_ liked the bear,” Five said. “You should make it again for yourself.” 

Ben gave this idea serious consideration. “Would that be lame?” 

Klaus poked Luther on the cheek. “Why so quiet? Give us the deets!” 

Luther sighed. 

“I’ll go with you,” Five told Ben. “You can pretend you’re making it for me.” 

“The girl who works there is really nice,” Ben said. “I think she-”

“Good god, man,” Klaus said, forgetting Luther to frown at Ben disapprovingly. “Just download a dating app.” 

“I just think she’s giving me a lot of mixed signals,” Luther said. “Is it just me? Am I crazy?” 

Klaus put an arm around Ben’s shoulder, and snaked his other arm with Luther’s, like a Victorian woman about to take her gentleman for a stroll. 

“My brothers!” Klaus declared, with his usual drama. “Despite what popular culture would lead you to believe, love is _not_ a battlefield.” 

“Then what is it?” Five said. 

Ben and Luther looked at Klaus expectantly. 

“Love is…” Klaus pursed his lips. “It’s a… it’s a dance!” 

“Riiight,” Luther said. “I’m going to need something a little more specific.”

“Your date was terrible, then?” Five said. 

“It was awful,” Luther admitted. “It just... it was awful.” 

“I just want to meet someone who’s nice,” Ben said. “And if she likes books that would be a bonus, but she doesn’t have to.” 

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Five said. “What will you get out of it, once you win their affection? It’s just one more person to worry about.” 

“I strongly suspect you’re asexual,” Klaus said. “But I dunno. Could be too early to tell.” 

Five frowned. He didn't like unfamiliar words. 

"It means you don't like sex," Luther said. "I mean, not _you,_ that's what asexual means. Unless that _is_ you, because I would support you." 

Five tilted his head. "Support me? The hell does that mean?" 

"Or maybe he’s just dense,” Klaus said. “Maybe this whole time Five has been, like, constipated with teenage lust and he doesn’t even _know._ It would explain some things.” 

“Are you still talking about _me?”_ Five huffed. 

“Both of you,” Klaus said. “Five squared.” 

“I support you too, by the way,” Ben said. “Like, either way. Whatever your orientation ends up being.” 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “I’m done with this conversation.” 

On a whim, Five decided to teleport to Vanya’s apartment. She was a more reliable source of information anyway. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


There was no need to panic. Dad was wrong. Of course he was wrong. Everyone always said Dad was wrong. Even _Luther_ held him in contempt. This Luther, anyway. The older one. The better one. 

That was all the reassurance Five needed. 

_If Dad could see what_ **I’ve** _seen, he’d realize it,_ Five thought. _But I’m the only one, so it’s up to me._

The thing was, there was no clear solution. What is one meant to do, when there’s no clear solution? 

_“You’re an overly ambitious child,”_ Dad had said. _“Settle down and leave it to the adults.”_

Hadn’t Luther said the same thing himself? He’d been nicer about it, but that was his advice too. 

_The adults are stupid,_ Five decided. _Screw them._

There was nothing to do but prepare for the inevitable. So Five prepared. He did it on the sly, so no one would panic. Because there was _no need to panic._

He even enrolled with the freaking boy scouts, to divert suspicion. As an added bonus, this pleased Vanya. She thought it meant he was finally taking an interest in “kids his own age.” 

Maybe he should have consoled himself with these small things, but it wasn’t enough. There was a memory that nagged at him. The panic, when Five had first found himself in that ash filled wasteland over a year ago. The hours running around, exhausting himself, and the realization that there was too much ground to cover. 

There had been a car. It was damaged, but still running. The key had been left in the ignition like an invitation, but Five didn’t know how to _fucking drive._

He decided to learn.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“What were you thinking?” Luther said, voice dripping with disapproval. 

Five shrugged. 

“How could you endanger yourself like that?” Luther said. “And not only yourself, think of the civilians! If you’d crashed into another car instead, someone could have been killed. Could you live with that on your conscience?” 

He hadn’t crashed into another car. He’d crashed into a tree. 

“If you’d just _taught_ me when I asked,” Five said. “I never would have crashed.” 

Luther crossed his arms together. “You’re too young to be driving.” 

“I’m almost fifteen!” 

“You’re _nowhere_ near fifteen,” Luther said. “You’re not even halfway there.”

The family birthday was seven months away, but there was something Luther wasn’t accounting for.

“I’m older than you think I am,” Five said. “You forgot about time travel. My birthday doesn’t actually line up with October anymore. None of ours do!” 

“You’re still too young to drive,” Luther said. “And I don’t appreciate you stealing the car keys behind my back.” 

“You don’t understand,” Five said. “I _need_ to learn. I have to be able to drive.” 

“No, _you_ don’t understand,” Luther said. “I get that you’re proud to be a prodigy, but you don’t have to be in such a hurry with everything. This is one of those things you can’t skip ahead on.” 

“This isn’t about pride.” 

“Then what’s it about?” 

Five considered telling the truth. Ask for help: isn’t that what everyone always said he should do? 

But on this particular issue, Five had already asked for help. He’d asked and Luther had failed to provide it. 

There was no point bringing it up again.

“You can’t stop me,” Five said. “I’ll drive whenever I please.” 

“Wow,” Luther said. “I don’t even know what to say to that.” 

“Good,” Five said. 

With that, Five made his exit.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Please, try to see it from our perspective,” Vanya said. “We don’t want to let you drive because we already know what will happen. The other Five was stubborn about it too. It created all these problems with law enforcement.” 

Luther just _had_ to get Vanya involved. 

“That was then,” Five said. “The other Five looked thirteen back then. I’m older than that.” 

“You’re still not old enough,” Luther said. “Don’t you realize how dangerous it is? Child services might be called. We could lose you.” 

Five frowned and Luther plowed on, “We love you, Five.” 

Vanya elbowed him. 

“I mean, _I_ love you,” Luther said. “I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” 

Vanya nodded in approval. 

“But-”

“And you don’t want to hurt anyone,” Vanya said. “Isn’t that right?” 

Five groaned. 

“You could seriously injure someone,” Vanya said. “Or yourself. Please, just… don’t put us through all that?” 

“I’ll be more careful next time,” Five said. “I won’t crash again.” 

“Let me teach you,” Luther said. “I’ll make sure you learn safely. Just wait until our birthday.” 

“It’s seven months away!” Five said. “That’s too long to wait!”

“It’ll go by quickly,” Vanya said. “If you focus your energy on something else in the meantime, it’ll be October before you know it.” 

“Are things not going well with the boy scouts?” Luther said. “Did you get bored?” 

“This has nothing to do with them,” Five said. 

“Do you have trouble talking to the other boys?” Vanya said. “I know your vocabulary is a bit of an obstacle, sometimes…” 

“I won’t even look any different,” Five said. “What’s seven months, looks wise? If a cop pulls me over I’ll just say I’m fifteen.” 

“You don’t have a learner’s permit,” Luther said. “Actually, I think you need to be sixteen to get one.”

“Klaus knows a guy,” Five said. “They can forge one for me. I’ll say I’m whatever age I need to be. Fifteen, sixteen, whatever.” 

Luther frowned. “That’s a _crime.”_

“Oh, but it _wasn’t_ a crime,” Five said. “when Vanya and Allison forged fake birth certificates for me and the other Five? _That_ wasn’t a crime, but _this_ is?”

“Five,” Vanya sighed. “You know why we did that.” 

“I guess only adults can commit crimes!” Five said. “My mistake, I’ll wait until I’m older! Then I’ll rob a bank. That’s fine, right? To commemorate my eighteenth birthday.” 

"That's not funny," Luther said. 

Vanya reached out for a hug, but Five dodged it. 

"Please," Vanya said. "Just-

"You're always pleading with me," Five snapped. "Stay still, Five, stay put, Five, stay behind, Five!" 

"Because I love you!" Vanya said. 

"We want what's best for you," Luther said. "We want-"

"And _you_ know what's best?!" Five scoffed. "Just cause you're older?" 

"It's not necessarily about age," Vanya said. "But you haven't matured enough to realize-" 

"You spent an entire year avoiding your sister out of pure spite!" Five said. "And you think _you're_ mature?" 

Vanya wilted like a flower. 

"Five," Luther groaned. "You shouldn't-"

"I'm done taking orders!" Five shouted. "Especially from _you,_ Luther. You're just a... a moronic ape man!" 

Luther looked at Vanya uncertainly. "He's acting out because he's hurting?" 

Vanya nodded tightly, gripping her elbows in each hand. 

"Hurting?" Five sneered. "Is that the new theory?" 

"Something's wrong," Luther said. "It isn't really about wanting to drive, is it?" 

"Fuck you," Five said. 

"This isn't a productive conversation," Vanya said. "Why don't we take a break? Cool off and try again tomorrow?" 

Five glared at her. "You do that. Go cool off."

"Wait," Luther said. "Let's get to the bottom of this." 

Vanya shook her head. "Well, I'm just, I think I'm done for the day. I'm excusing myself." 

"Because it's unhealthy when _I'm_ avoidant," Five said. "But when _you_ abandon a conversation it's self care, right?" 

Vanya winced. 

"Ignore him," Luther said. "You can come back later." 

Vanya hesitated. 

"Yeah, ignore me," Five said. "Run away." 

"Alright," Vanya said. "I'm coming back tomorrow." 

Five shrugged. 

When she was gone, Luther said, "So let's talk this out. Something's bothering you?" 

"I want to drive," Five said. 

"Something else?" 

"No." 

"I just don't get it," Luther said. "Everything was going so well. You were picking up new hobbies. The boy scouts. You were…"

"I was what?" Five said. "Acting like a 'real' kid?" 

"I guess you still are," Luther said, scratching his chin. "Real kids rebel and stuff." 

Five rolled his eyes. 

"Can we reach a compromise?" Luther said. "What do you need to drive for?" 

"To go places," Five said. "Obviously." 

"Wouldn't a bicycle work?"

Five sighed. 

"And it would be safer, don't you think?"

 _It would also be flimsier,_ Five thought. _A bike probably wouldn't survive the Apocalypse._

"I'm done talking about this," Five said. "I give up." 

"You don't have to give up," Luther said. "Where is it you wanted to go? A bike would be tiring, I guess. Is it somewhere really far?" 

"Sure," Five said. "It's… somewhere you can't reach." 

That was too close to the truth. 

"On a bike," Five added.

"Did it occur to you to ask for a ride?" Luther said. "I can drive you there. Wherever it is?" 

Five missed the days of ineffectual yelling. It was harder to reason with a brother that was being reasonable. 

"You can't drive me," Five said, speaking slowly and thinking fast. "Because… because you're busy with college." 

Luther was enrolled in the engineering department at one of the local universities. 

"I'm not _that_ busy," Luther said. 

"My… goals… have a very specific time frame." 

"What time frame?" 

Shit. When did Luther have class? Tuesdays and Thursdays? 

"Tuesdays and Thursdays," Five said. "And punctuality is important." 

"Uh huh," Luther said. "And what _are_ you doing on Tuesdays and Thursdays?"

Five threw up his hands. "None of your business!" 

"Just a little odd," Luther said. "That you have this… mystery commitment. And it just so happens to fall on the two days of the week when I happen to have classes." 

"Correlation... is not causation," Five said, weakly. 

Not his best defense, but Five wasn't used to Luther being this sharp. 

Luther chuckled. "Uh huh. So I can't drive you." 

"Correct." 

"But _Ben_ could drive you," Luther said.

"Ben's a shitty driver," Five said. "He's afraid to go over 40 miles per hour." 

"Vanya-"

"Has a full schedule." 

"Diego-"

"Is an asshole!" Five snapped. "He wouldn't give me a ride if I stapled our arms together." 

"Okay," Luther said. "Want to try again? What's the secret here?" 

"There isn't one." 

"Sure, there isn't." 

"You're paranoid." 

"And _you're_ defensive." Luther waggled his eyebrows in an infuriating _aha!_ way. "What are you trying to hide?" 

"My ego, I guess," Five said. "My pride." 

Luther frowned. "Huh." 

"I'm leaving," Five said. "There, I have announced my exit. You have been warned. Goodbye." 

"Hold on," Luther said. "This isn't about pride. You wouldn't admit it if it were." 

"Who cares what it's about?" Five said.

"This isn't like you," Luther said. "This is… you're acting like…" 

Luther's eyes widened. "Is something wrong? _Wrong_ wrong?" 

"No." 

"You can trust me," Luther said. "I can help." 

"You've got the wrong idea." 

"Do I?" Luther said. "C'mon, Five. Just let me help you?"

"I don't need your help." 

Luther squinted at him for a moment, then said, "Do you think I'm an obstacle?"

Five blinked. 

"Did I hit the mark?" Luther said. "You think something bad will happen if you tell me your secret? Or… you think I'll want to stop you for your own good?" 

"Your judgment is flawed," Five said. 

"What makes you say that?" 

"Because you proved yourself completely incapable of grasping even a _rudimentary_ understanding of the way the universe works!" 

"The universe?" 

"Yes!" Five said. "The universe, the space-time continuum, and anything that's not right under your damn nose is just too much for your pea sized brain to comprehend! So you're useless!" 

Luther rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay, this took a turn. Um…" 

Five swallowed. "I'm leaving for real this time." 

He teleported. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Luther was trying to make some kind of point. 

"Jupiter is my favorite planet," Luther said. "It's a lot more complex than most people realize." 

Five grunted. He was just trying to eat his breakfast in peace.

"Like the red spot is a giant hurricane," Luther said. "It's a _permanent_ hurricane." 

Five resisted the urge to say, _I know._ Instead, he nodded noncommittally and focused on his scrambled eggs. 

"That's cool," Ben said. "I didn't know that." 

"And you know those big rings around Saturn?" Luther said. "Jupiter has something similar. It's just that the rings are thinner. But it has them too." 

"The rings are made of asteroids," Ben said. "Right?" 

Five debated abandoning his meal. He'd eaten half. That was good enough, right?

"Yeah," Luther said. "Or chunks of rock that got knocked loose from moons that got hit by asteroids." 

Five stood and carried his plate to the kitchen. 

"One of Saturn's moons," Luther said, raising his voice. "is covered in ice. There's bacteria in the ice! Alien bacteria!" 

Five dumped his leftover eggs down the sink and turned on the garbage disposal, drowning Luther out. 

He decided to leave it on and warped back to his room. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Heeey," Luther said. "I've been thinking, what if we go on a camping trip?" 

Five groaned. 

"It'll be fun!" Luther said. "We can put your boy scout skills to the test and, and lay down under the stars. Get a good look without all the city lights blocking the view." 

"I know what you're doing," Five said. 

"I bought a telescope," Luther said. "A really fancy one. You'll be able to see _everything._ The whole universe. And you can show me." 

Five rubbed his temples. "It's not possible to see the _whole_ universe." 

"Also, I sort of miss it," Luther said. "Being able to look at everything. For a while, I kind of avoided looking up. Like, at all. Because it… I had some negative associations." 

"I'll give you a few more associations if you don't _back. Off."_

"We can get a golf cart," Luther said. "Or, like, one of those little jeeps? It's not what you wanted, but… we can drive around a little, then set up a tent, then look through the telescope?" 

Five took in Luther's earnest expression. 

_What a stupidly hopeful dope,_ Five thought. _But I guess he's my dope._

"There aren't any aliens," Five said. "Not on Titan, anyway."

Luther blinked. 

"The bacteria," Five said. "It's a theory. There's not enough evidence to prove Saturn's moon has alien bacteria below the ice." 

_"Oh_ right, right," Luther said. "I knew that, I just wanted to get your attention." 

"Guess I fell for your trap." 

"So can we go camping?" Luther shifted nervously from one foot to the other. "Maybe this weekend?" 

"You wouldn't fit in a golf cart," Five said. 

"Oh," Luther said. "Yeah, probably not." 

"It's fine," Five said. "We can leave that part out." 

"Yeah?" 

"The rest sounds… it sounds alright," Five said. "So… so alright." 

"Alright?" 

"I'll _go,"_ Five said. "Do you need it in writing?" 

Luther grinned. "This weekend." 

"Yeah." 

"You can't back out at the last minute." 

"I won't." 

"Maybe I _should_ get it in writing." 

"Then get a pen," Five quipped. 

Luther ruffled his hair. "Nah, I'll trust you." 

Trust. He made it sound like such a simple thing. 

Five wanted to trust him. 

Maybe he could work up to it?

"Luther?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I… I _do_ have a secret." 

"Okay," Luther said. "Do you want to let me in on it?" 

"No," Five said. "Maybe… maybe later." 

_There's no need to panic,_ Five reminded himself. _I still have the briefcase. They're not in any_ **_real_ ** _danger._

"Alright," Luther said. "I appreciate your honesty." 

"What?" Five said. "But I didn't say anything." 

"You acknowledged the elephant in the room," Luther said. "It still counts. Like Vanya says. Progress is progress." 

"Sometimes I think Vanya's the real number one in this family," Five muttered. 

Luther chuckled. "We're _all_ number one." 

Five snorted. 

"Metaphorically," Luther added. 

"You suck at metaphors," Five said. "Leave them to the smart people." 

Luther's smile would not be dampened so easily. He just laughed good naturedly. 

The younger Luther had been like that too, hadn't he? There just wasn't as much wiggle room, when Dad was alive. 

Either way, Five was glad to be rid of the man. Things were better now, weren't they?

Or maybe that was just what Five wanted to think. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of time skips in these last two fics, but I swear there's a Purpose. Am I losing people? I feel like I'm losing people 😅😭😅😭


	2. Trying times

_There is no such thing as a foolproof plan. If there are fools about, no plan is proof against them._

_― Marsha Hinds_

Building a robot was Five’s idea. 

At first it had been about Mom. Luther wanted to understand how she worked and Five had emphasized the mechanics of her body, so that they could repair her if she were injured in a fight. If she lost an arm, say, Luther would know how to build a new one from scratch. 

_“We’ve never seen her in action,”_ Five had said. _“But Dad programmed her to defend the house against intruders. That’ll be useful if the Commission turns up.”_

Even before the younger Five had arrived from 2002, the older was always preparing for a potential war against the Commission. Luther was proud to share the burden with him.

 _“I’m better with software,”_ Five had said. _“You’re in charge of hardware, alright?”_

Luther took to the “hardware” side of things like a fish to water. Five said he was talented, a natural, which was a pleasant surprise. Mr. Ruby had said the same about boxing, but Luther knew talent had nothing to do with it. He was cheating. The other fighters didn’t have super strength. They never stood a chance. 

And beating people up for sport and money felt scummy. Hell, even beating up _criminals_ felt scummy now.

Building things was the opposite. It was pure, in a way. It was almost heroic. 

He tried to explain it to the younger Five. 

“Dad said the world needed us, right?” Luther said. “Because we have all these powers, so it’s our responsibility to use them to defend the masses.” 

The younger Five was examining the robot leg, fiddling with the knee joint. 

“But the thing is, the criminals are also part of the masses,” Luther said. “Like, a guy doesn’t just wake up one day and decide to rob a bank because he’s an ass- because he’s mean.” 

Five rolled his eyes. “You can say ‘asshole.’ I’m not a four year old.” 

“Right,” Luther said. “Sorry. Anyway, the people who rob banks, they’re not… they’re not assholes. They’re desperate people. Usually.”

“But sometimes they _are_ assholes,” Five said. “Some of them are career criminals and they don’t even need the money.” 

“Some of them,” Luther admitted. “But you can’t tell just by looking, right? It’s… the world is complex.” 

“Besides, even if the robbers _are_ desperate,” Five said. “Does that mean we just let them steal? What about the people they’ve stolen from? Aren’t _they_ desperate people, once they’ve lost everything?” 

“If they’re civilians,” Luther said. “But a bank doesn't actually lose anything. An insurance company will recoup their loss.”

“Recoup,” Five repeated. 

“Yeah,” Luther said. “They reimburse them.”

Five glared at him. 

“I know,” Luther said. “I was mad about it too, when I first found out.” 

“What?” Five said. “Why?” 

“Because Dad sent us to so many banks!” Luther said. “And they didn’t even need us. He should have sent us to do, I don’t know, hurricane relief aid? Or, or, to help firemen? My strength is really useful in disaster zones because I can lift cars and building debris off of people.” 

“Reimburse,” Five repeated. “So insurance companies... the banks are imbursing them.” 

Luther blinked. “Imbursing? What does that mean?” 

Five pointed the robot leg at him like a sword. “A coup is a mutiny!” 

“Huh? Like… a pirate mutiny?” 

Five shook the robot leg in obvious frustration. “The hell does any of this have to do with building extra robots?” 

Luther gently tugged the leg out of Five’s hands. “Hold on,” he said. “First we should… um… address your anger.” 

One of the good things about the younger Five: he was easy to understand. Whatever he was feeling, Luther could _see_ it.

“I’m _not_ angry,” Five said. 

Luther tried for a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to lie.” 

Five huffed. 

“The thing with the banks,” Luther said. “it kind of feels like a betrayal, doesn’t it? We thought we were saving them from criminals, but we were just saving the insurance company from losing a little bit of money.”

As Luther spoke, he noticed Five was gradually relaxing. He looked thoughtful, instead of angry. 

“And they have a _lot_ of money,” Luther added. “It really doesn’t matter if they lose a bit. It’s their job! We were wasting our time instead of helping people who actually needed us.”

Five frowned at his shoes. Luther decided to shut up and wait patiently for a response. Five deserved time to grapple with this awful reality.

After a moment, Five straightened up and announced, “I’m going to ask you a question.”

Luther grinned. “Great! Go ahead.” 

“So the insurance company,” Five said. “It has all this money, which it gives to the bank to… to reimburse them for unexpected… losses.” 

“Yeah?” Luther said. “That wasn’t really a question.” 

“Okay, here’s the question,” Five said. “Where does the insurance company get the money from? Why does it have to pay the bank?” 

_“Oh,”_ Luther said, chuckling. “The banks pay them every month. The insurance, it's like a safety net. It can be used for all sorts of stuff. Like, if there was a tornado and it tore the roof off of the building, the insurance money would fix it.”

Five nodded. “Understood.” 

“Sorry,” Luther said. “I forget Dad never taught us anything about finances. I must have confused you.”

Five’s hands briefly flickered with blue light, but it was just for a second. He shoved them into his pockets when he realized Luther was looking.

“I wasn’t confused,” Five muttered. “Look, are we done here? Can I go now?” 

When they were younger, Luther thought the teleporting was random. He was starting to realize it wasn’t random at all. Most of the time, Five blinked away when he was embarrassed. 

“Thank you for asking,” Luther said. “Yes, you can go.” 

Five didn’t need to be told twice. Immediately, he warped away. 

Luther was left alone with the robot leg. He looked down at it and realized he forgot to tell Five what his point was: building things is better than catching criminals. 

_I’ll tell him next time,_ he thought. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Oh, to be a father of four,” Klaus said. “What hardships you must endure! What weight! Oh, the responsibilities. The-” 

“Shut up,” Diego said. 

Luther had recruited them to help him find Five and Ben, who weren’t answering their phones. 

“I get that it’s a running joke,” Luther said. “But why a father of _four?_ We're a family of eight."

"You mean _nine,"_ Diego said. "Don't forget Mom." 

“Allison and old man Five are in California,” Klaus said. “So they don’t count. And Vanya doesn’t live with us, so she doesn’t count either.” 

“I’m gonna move out,” Diego said. “As soon as I find a way to earn money _on my own,_ I’m gonna-” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Klaus said. “We’ve heard it all before.” 

“Can we stay focused?” Luther said. “Vanya’s not picking up her phone either. I’m starting to worry she might be in trouble too.” 

"Yessir, Number One, sir," Klaus said. 

Diego rolled his eyes.

They were walking around the nearest dog park. It was a place Five and Ben often went to because a lot of the owners would let Ben pet their dogs. 

Then Luther’s phone rang. It was Five. 

“I saw the texts and missed calls,” Five said. “Ben and Vanya, likewise. I have taken it upon myself to apologize on their behalf.” 

“Oh,” Luther said. He glanced at Klaus and Diego. “It’s Five. He says he's with Ben and Vanya.” 

“What the fuck,” Diego said.

“You’ll be wanting an explanation,” Five said. “Here it is: we silenced our cellphones as per Cinemark's strict movie viewing policy.” 

Luther blinked. “Oh…” 

“However,” Five said. “Vanya would like to express her regret that we did not warn you beforehand.” 

“That’s okay,” Luther said. “I’m glad you’re safe.” 

Klaus started laughing and Diego didn't take it well. He tried to hit Klaus, who dodged expertly. 

“And _I_ would like to express my annoyance,” Five said. “How long has it been since you first called me?” 

“Um, I think it’s been-”

“I’ll tell you,” Five said. “According to my phone, it’s been exactly forty three minutes since you called me. The _first_ time.” 

“You usually answer,” Luther said, defensively. 

Diego was chasing Klaus around the park, which just made him laugh harder. Luther could hear it clear as day, even as they got farther away. 

“Uh huh,” Five said. “Next time, wait two hours. No, wait three hours. _Then_ you can panic.” 

“But what if-”

“No buts,” Five said. “This is ridiculous. Klaus texted us too, did you know that? He said you organized a search party.” 

“A small one,” Luther said. “Just a… a casual sort of search party.” 

“Right,” Five said. “Well, you found us. Congratulations.” 

“Tell Vanya I’m sorry,” Luther said. “And Ben too… Five?” 

Luther looked at his phone. Five had hung up.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Would you shut up about the bank robberies?" Five said. "I don't care about the money. Insurance or no insurance, it doesn't matter.”

Five was angrily washing the dishes. Luther was drying.

“It _does_ matter,” Luther said. “The missions were important to you. They were important to all of us.”

“Not to Klaus,” Five said. "Not to Ben." 

Five roughly tossed a clean mug at him and Luther scrambled to catch it.

“They hated missions,” Five said. “But it. Doesn’t. Matter.” 

Diego added a dirty plate to the pile and Five grabbed it eagerly, scrubbing at the crusted cheese stain as if _it_ was a bank robber.

“It’s in the past,” Luther agreed. “But Allison says it still has an effect on us. And Vanya thinks-” 

“Good for them!” Five snapped. “Good for all of you. Sit in a circle and process your feelings, for all I care. Just leave me out of it.” 

“Whoa there,” Diego said. “It sounds like you’ve got feelings that need to be processed too.” 

“The hell I do,” Five said. 

Luther made eye contact with Diego and tried to communicate- with his facial expression, so Five wouldn’t notice- that Diego should be careful with his words. 

Diego nodded somberly, then said, “I call bullshit.” 

Luther sighed. 

“Oh yeah?” Five said. “Then why are _you_ still running around in a domino mask? Got any feelings about _that?”_

Diego grinned. “Cause I’m a hero. End of story.” 

“Hey, Diego,” Luther said. “I think Mom wanted to show you her sculpture.” 

Before Diego could respond, Five said, “Mom can wait.” He put down the dirty plate and looked at Diego with the intensity of a kid who's spotted a pirate ship. "I want in. On your vigilante stuff.” 

Shit. Allison said this might happen. 

Diego tried to back out of the kitchen. “So Mom’s looking for me? I better go help her with her… with her sculpture.” 

Five teleported behind him, blocking the exit. 

"Hold on," Luther said. "Five, you shouldn't-"

Diego kicked out, swiping Five's legs out from under him. Luther winced, but Five teleported mid fall and blinked onto Diego's back, gripping his neck in a choke hold. 

"Guys!" Luther said. "Don't fight!" 

He easily pulled Five off of Diego, but Five teleported again. He reappeared on the kitchen counter, one foot landing in the sink. 

There was a faint cracking sound and Five looked down to assess the damage. 

He'd stepped on the plate in the sink, breaking it in half. 

"Shit," Five said. 

"Goddammit," Diego said. "You see what you did?" 

"It's okay," Luther said. "Let's calm down and-"

"It's _your_ fault," Five said. "If you weren't such a coward, you wouldn't be running to your mommy in the first place!" 

"Fuck you!" Diego said. "You're the one who-"

 _"Stop,"_ Luther said, firmly. "Diego, get out of here." 

"Yeah, Number _Two,"_ Five sneered. "Number One gave you an order." 

Diego glared at them both. "Fine," he said. "But not because Luther told me to."

He stomped out of the kitchen. 

Luther took a deep breath. “Five-” 

“I can fix it,” Five said. “Or, I’ll replace it.” 

“Huh?” 

“The _plate,”_ Five said. 

“Oh. I’m not worried about the plate.” Tentatively, Luther grabbed Five from under the armpits and lifted him off the counter. 

Surprisingly, Five allowed it. 

Luther set him back on his feet and examined the broken plate. It had split into three big pieces, but there were probably smaller bits hidden under the soap suds. 

“I’ll clean this up,” Luther said. “It was an accident, so you don’t have to worry about it.” 

_“I_ should clean it up,” Five said. 

“No, you might cut yourself,” Luther said. “Just let me-” 

“I’m not an infant!” Five said. “Just because you're older now-"

“I don't think you're an infant,” Luther said. “I just-” 

“You keep treating me like one!” Five growled. "It's _demeaning."_

Luther had seen Five angry plenty of times, but this felt different. Especially when Five suddenly shoved his hands over his face, pressing them against his eyeballs as if he wanted to shove them inside his skull. 

“I’m sorry,” Luther said. “I didn’t mean to, uh, demean you.” 

“Fuck you,” Five said. 

“Listen,” Luther said. “Can we circle back to the robot?” 

Five was holding himself completely still. He still had his hands over his face. 

“I don’t care about the robot,” Five muttered. 

“I just thought...” Luther tried to think of a way to put it, a way that would sound appealing to Five. “I thought you could help me with it? You’re smart.” 

“The other Five is already helping you,” Five said. “You don’t need _my_ help.” 

“I know,” Luther said. “But-”

“What’s it for, anyway?” Five slowly put his hands down, shoving them in his pockets. “We’ve already got Mom.” 

“It’s just… it’s a fun project?” Luther said. “The other Five said-”

“But wait,” Five said, snapping his fingers. “I just realized: I _still_ don’t care.” 

“You keep saying that,” Luther said. 

“Because it’s true,” Five said. 

“But-”

“Anyway,” Five said. “I have my own projects.” 

“Oh yeah? What kind of projects?”

“The kind,” Five said. “that are none of your damn business.” 

Luther sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t curse so much.” 

“Everyone else curses,” Five said. “You don’t give a crap when _they_ do it.” 

“Now you’re just adding them on purpose,” Luther said. 

“Yes, I fucking am,” Five said. “As is my right. It's my goddamn right to curse.” 

_He really is a teenager,_ Luther thought. 

“You know what?” Luther said. “You make a good point.” 

Five squinted at him. “I do?” 

“Yes,” Luther said. “So… so have at it. Curse like a pirate.” 

Five rolled his eyes. “Pirates suck.” 

“They do?” Luther said. “I thought you and Ben-”

“No,” Five said. “That’s over.” 

“Why is it, uh, over?” Luther said. 

“Klaus ruined it,” Five said. “He said pirates are gay and they… I’m not a homophobe, by the way. Pirates can do whatever they want. Below deck, above deck, on fucking land. I don't care." 

"I don't think you're a homophobe," Luther said. "Klaus doesn't either, he just likes to throw the word around. He thinks it's funny." 

"Well, _I_ told _him,"_ Five said. "That even if the pirates were straight, or bisexual or whatever fucking word Klaus feels like using to _also describe bisexuals_ … either way, I hate pirates." 

"Okay," Luther said. "I'll try to remember that." 

"Pirates are vile," Five insisted. "I would rather not associate with them.” 

Luther rubbed at the back of his head. "I wouldn't make you? Associate with them, I mean."

Five cleared his throat. “Anyway, see to it that this mess gets cleaned up.” 

He gestured to the broken plate and the rest of the dirty dishes.

“I’ve got more important things to do,” Five added. “So I’ll be going.” 

Luther blinked. “Um, okay? See you later.” 

Five nodded, then teleported. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The next day, Five proudly presented Luther with an armful of plastic plates. 

“Plastic,” Five said. “is more practical.” 

“How much did these cost?” Luther said. “Did you use your allowance?” 

“Don’t worry about that,” Five said. “So here’s what I’m thinking, we get rid of all the ceramic plates and bowls and we-”

“I get where you’re coming from,” Luther said. “But that was a one time thing. You don’t have to worry about breaking more plates. Because you won’t be fighting in the house anymore. Right?” 

Five avoided eye contact. “I think preemptive measures are… it’s smarter.” 

“But-”

“And what’s the difference?” Five said. “What’s so great about ceramic plates?” 

“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Luther said. “We can switch to plastic, but-”

“Great,” Five said. “I’ll get bowls too, just give me a few days.” 

“You ran out of money?" Luther said. 

“Yeah, so?” Five said. “You give me more every week.” 

“It’s nice of you to want to, uh, contribute to the household," Luther said. "But that’s not what your allowance is for. You could have just talked to me and I would have-”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” Five interrupted with a pointed frown. “While we’re at it, we should get Mom a better easel. Hers is alright, but I saw one at the store that was bigger. It also had all this other stuff, like drawers that she could keep her brushes and paints in. It was just… it was better.” 

“Wow,” Luther said. “That’s… that’s really ni- I mean, that’s a great idea.” 

“I know,” Five said, grinning.

“Which store was it?” Luther said. “Wait, who took you to a store?” 

Five clasped his hands behind his back and shrugged. 

“Did you go by yourself?” Luther said. 

“I plead the fifth,” Five said. 

“Fiiiive,” Luther groaned. “I thought we agreed-” 

Five warped away without warning this time. 

Luther sighed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Luther was asleep, when Five teleported into his room. 

"Wake up!" Five screamed. "Get the fuck up!" 

Luther sat up, heart racing, and nearly fell out of bed.

"Huh? What's wrong?" 

"This is an _emergency,"_ Five said. "This is a crisis!" 

Five turned the lights on and Luther blinked at him. 

"What happened?" Luther said. 

"The world ended," Five said. _"Again."_

"Huh?" 

"I'm talking doomsday," Five said. "Apocalyptic wasteland. Ring any bells?" 

"Oh shit," Luther said. 

"Yeah!" Five said. "Fucking shit! But it gets worse." 

"How does it get worse?" 

"This time _Ben_ got roped in," Five said. "That's unacceptable, Luther!" 

Luther gaped at him. 

_"Hello?"_ Five said. "What are you going to do about it?!" 

"Um," Luther said. "I can… uh."

"Shut up," Five said. "I'll tell you what you're going to do." 

"Okay..." 

"You're going to call Allison," Five said. "You're going to _order_ her to undo her memory erasing Rumor on the other Five." 

"Oh," Luther said. "Right, I should ask her-"

"No," Five said. "Don't ask. You _tell_ her she's gotta do it." 

"But-"

"No buts!" Five said. "Listen, you said she had to do it _because_ it would prevent the Apocalypse from coming back." 

"I know," Luther said. "But-" 

"You were wrong!" Five shouted. "It came back, and it keeps coming back! This was the fourth time!" 

Luther's eyes widened. "Why didn't you-"

Ben burst into the room. "Five!" 

"Go back to bed," Five told him. "I've got it handled." 

"It wasn't that bad," Ben said. "Luther, he just-" 

"Go back to bed!" Five yelled. 

"What's going on?" Klaus's voice drifted in from the hallway. 

"Fuck off, Klaus!" Five screamed. "This is between me and Luther!" 

"Five," Ben said. "We're going to be okay." 

"Of course we're going to be okay," Five said. "Because the other Five and I will fix it." 

"You said it happened four times?" Luther said. "When did-"

"No," Five said. "You want details? You can have them _after_ you talk to Allison." 

Ben tried to hug Five, but Five blinked to the other side of the room. "I don't need comfort!" 

_"I_ need comfort," Ben said. "Won't you comfort me?" 

"I'll call Allison," Luther said. 

"Wait," Five said. "First, comfort Ben. It's your fault he went through that, so it's your responsibility." 

"Five," Ben groaned. 

"Anyway," Five said. "There's no need to panic. I suppose you can wait until… until the sun is up. Then you can call Allison." 

Klaus poker his head in the room. "Did something happen to Allison?" 

"Fuck off, Klaus," Five said. 

"Allison is fine," Ben said. "Um, something else happened." 

"I really thought," Luther said. "I really… I seriously believed the amnesia thing was the solution. At the time. I'm sorry it wasn't." 

"Apologies are useless," Five said. "Get your act together, Number One." 

"Oh shit," Klaus said. "You know it's serious when Five pulls out the numbers." 

"You're not helping," Ben said. 

"The other Five will know what to do," Five said. "I admit, I was reluctant to pull him away from his… retirement. Especially since he wasn't… he didn't see it himself. Not after that first time, anyway." 

"He didn't?" Luther said. "You asked him?" 

"Of course I asked him," Five said. "I also asked Allison to undo her Rumor, but nobody fucking listens to me." 

"Aw," Klaus said. "I'll listen to you, buddy. What didn't the other Five see? I think I'm out of the loop on this one " 

"I'll tell you later," Ben said. "Go back to bed, Klaus. This is a sensitive issue." 

"Uh huh," Klaus said. "I can see I'm not wanted here." 

"Then go the fuck back to bed," Five said. 

"I wasn't even asleep yet," Klaus said. "But suuure. I'll go to bed, as ordered." 

"Sorry, Klaus," Luther said. "Don't take it personally-" 

"It's _never_ personal," Klaus said. "Course not. I know how it is. I'm the most useless brother."

"You want to be useful?" Five said. "Give Ben a hug. You're good at that." 

"Can I give _you_ a hug?" Ben said. 

"No," Five said. "You cannot." 

"What time is it?" Luther said. "It might not be that late in L.A." 

"Good point," Five said, looking at his watch. "It's 1:28 a.m." 

"Doesn't that mean it's nine or ten over there?" Klaus said. "Also, I am very willing to give hugs to anybody who wants them."

"Great," Luther said. "So it's not too late to call. Can I have some privacy? So I can do that?" 

"Of course," Five said. "I'll be in my room." 

"Wait!" Ben said. 

But Five teleported. 

"C'mere," Klaus said, opening his arms. 

Dejectedly, Ben shuffled towards him. He put his head on Klaus's shoulder and they embraced.

"Um," Luther said. "I guess I can go to another room." 

"Nah, this is your room," Klaus said. "We'll shuffle this pity party over to mine." 

"I just want to _help_ him," Ben said. 

"Shhh, I know," Klaus said. "And we will! With, uh, whatever he needs help with."

As promised, they went to Klaus's room. 

When they were gone, Luther took a deep breath and called Allison. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Luther wanted to be there when Allison undid the Rumor, so he booked a flight to L.A.

Vanya went with him. She was worried that suddenly regaining fifty years of traumatizing memories would be… well, it would be traumatizing. 

None of them thought the memories would be rejected.

And none of them knew how to react to the fact that they were permanently gone. Five was still Five, but he wouldn't… he couldn't help them. 

Even worse, when Luther told the younger Five what had happened, Five flipped out. 

"You're a filthy fucking liar," Five said. 

"You can ask Allison," Luther said. "She did everything she could-"

"Allison is a stubborn bitch!" Five said. 

"You can't call her that," Luther said. "I don't care how angry you are. You never get to call anyone that." 

"It figures you'd cover for her," Five said. "She treats you like shit, but you still worship the ground she fucking walks on." 

_"Hey,"_ Luther said. "That's not… you can't talk to me like that." 

"Yes, I can," Five said. "What, you think I should respect you? You're a failure. Dad knew it. Diego knew it. Now I know it too." 

_Don't take it personally,_ Luther told himself. _He doesn't mean it._

"Vanya was there too," Luther said. "She saw Allison trying to undo the Rumor. Don't you trust Vanya?" 

"Why should I?" Five said. "She never trusts _me."_

"Look," Luther said. "This isn't over. We'll figure out what's happening and how to stop it." 

"You mean _I'll_ figure it out," Five said. "Since the rest of you are useless." 

"Hey-"

"I'm hanging up," Five said.

Allison and Vanya didn't even try to pretend they hadn't been eavesdropping on the phone call. 

"So how's baby Five?" Allison said. "Cute as ever?" 

Vanya sighed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When they were kids, Luther thought he would save the world. They would do it as a team, as the Umbrella Academy, but Luther thought _he_ would lead the charge. 

They did save the world, in the end, but it wasn't as clear cut as he'd thought it would be. It wasn't a one and done mission.

Now Luther knew: the world was always in danger. It was fragile, but there were forces at work beyond him- beyond any of them- that kept pulling it back together when it broke. 

Hell, maybe those forces were even beyond the Commission. 

Whatever the reason, Earth was in danger, but it wouldn't stay in danger. The fact was as morbid as it was comforting, but where did that leave Five? Where did it leave Ben? 

Did they catch glimpses of the Apocalypse because they were in the wrong timeline? Because they didn't belong in 2021? If that was the case, was it worth the life they'd gained in exchange? 

Luther didn't want to send them back. 

Where would they even go? Back to 2002 and 2006? A year and a half had already gone by for each of them, so maybe 2004 and 2007, respectively. 

Still, Luther shared the idea with Five; he wasn't impressed.

"That's inadequate," Five said. "Even if we went, even if we couldn't _see_ it, the world would still be falling apart under the surface."

"No, it wouldn't," Luther said. "If it gets fixed-"

"But who's fixing it?!" Five said. "The Commission? The fucking time police, who originally _wanted_ the world to end?" 

"But they changed their minds-"

"That means they can change their minds _back,"_ Five said. "Therefore, we can't trust them." 

"That's what the other…" 

"Uh huh," Five said. "Because every iteration of _me_ is a genius and every version of _you_ is a dumbass." 

"I'm trying my best," Luther said. 

"Your best isn't good enough."

With that, Five vanished.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five was upset. He had a right to be upset. Luther knew that, but he still found it hurtful when Five teleported out of the room any time Luther walked in. 

The first time, Luther shrugged it off. The second, he figured Five was trying to be mature. 

_It's like that saying,_ Luther had thought. _He doesn't have anything nice to say, so he's choosing not to say anything at all._

But days went by and Five was still avoiding him. 

"He needs a target for his anger," Vanya said. "It's bad luck that he picked you, but it's not actually about you." 

"It _is_ about me," Luther said. "I let him down." 

"It's an impossible situation," Vanya said. "I think Five found it kind of earth shattering, when you couldn't fix it. Because he looks up to you." 

"He doesn't look up to me." 

"He does," Vanya said. "But right now, he needs you to be the bad guy. Because it's the only way he can handle the situation. He's turned his fear into anger because anger is easier." 

Mom came into the living room with a tray of brownies. "Comfort food?" 

"Yes, please," Luther said. 

"They're still a little hot," Mom said, placing the tray on the coffee table. "So be careful." 

Luther nodded. "Can I also have a glass of milk?" 

"Of course, sweetie," Mom said. "I should have thought of that." 

"You're good, Mom," Vanya said. "You're the best." 

Mom put a hand on both their shoulders. "I know I haven't been around as much as I used to be…" 

"No," Luther said. "Don't do that, you don't need to feel guilty." 

"You've got your own life now," Vanya said. "That's a good thing." 

"Still," Mom said. "I'll get you a glass of milk and then I'll go see if I can't talk some sense into Five." 

"Thank you," Luther said. "But don't feel bad if he's mean to you." 

"Of course," Mom said. "That boy can be spiteful when he wants to be, but I know he loves me. And he loves you too, Luther."

"I know," Luther said. "Thanks." 

Mom bent down to give him a kiss on the cheek. 

"And I love you, Mom," Luther said. "You too, Vanya." 

"Thanks," Vanya said. "Uh, I mean, me too. I also love you." 

Mom grinned. "You already know I love all my children. But I'll say it again: I love you all." 

"Thanks Mom," Vanya said. "I… I love you too. So much." 

Mom gave Vanya a kiss on the forehead and then headed for the kitchen.

Luther chuckled. "You're the one who's always saying we should use words of affirmation." 

Vanya blushed. "Right, but that doesn't mean I don't find it just as awkward as you do." 

"I guess that makes sense," Luther said. "It's just, you made it look so easy. When you would say it to Five or Ben." 

Vanya bit her lip. "I'm closer to them. I'm sorry." 

"No, that's okay," Luther said. "I wasn't trying to-"

"We should spend more time together," Vanya said. "You and me." 

"I'd like that," Luther said. "I know I usually only call you when I'm having trouble with Five, but that's because he trusts you. He respects you." 

"Maybe he did," Vanya said. "But I think some of his anger is also being thrown my way, right now." 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Luther said. 

"It's okay," Vanya said. "Like I said, he just needs a target. Maybe it's both of us because he respects us the most?" 

"Is that what your therapist said?" 

"Um, yes," Vanya admitted. "Sorry." 

"No, I like her," Luther said. "I mean, I've never met her. But if I did, I think I would like her." 

"That's nice of you to say, but-"

"Actually," Luther said. "I think I _should_ meet her." 

"Huh?" 

"I can schedule an appointment with her," Luther said. "Right? Would she let me do that?" 

Vanya blinked. "Sure. I'll give you her number." 

"Thanks," Luther said. "I feel like… maybe I should have taken this step a long time ago, but I was embarrassed because Diego thinks-"

"I know what he thinks," Vanya said. 

"Right," Luther said. "Everybody knows what Diego thinks." 

"The alien bacteria on _Titan_ know what Diego thinks," Vanya said. 

"Oh god," Luther said. "Did Five tell you about the camping trip?" 

"Yup, he did." 

"He said I would die in the wilderness," Luther said. "He said I would die in exactly ten days because that's how long it takes for someone to starve to death." 

"I wouldn't want to kill a rabbit either," Vanya said. "So I guess I'd die with you." 

"Nah, Five wouldn't let that happen," Luther said. "He'd kill a whole family of rabbits and force us to eat them raw." 

Vanya laughed. "He'd at least roast them in a fire for us!" 

"True," Luther said. "He'd be so pissed if he went to all the trouble of hunting them just for us to die of food poisoning."

"But you know what?" Vanya said. "You may have been reluctant for the camping trip, but that's because you had other options. You had better food with you." 

"Actually," Luther said "He dumped the granola bars and sandwiches into the lake." 

"Wow," Vanya said. "He didn't tell me about that part." 

"Figures," Luther said. "So after that, we compromised. I wouldn't kill the rabbit, but fishing is alright. That's what we did." 

"Okay," Vanya said. _"But._ If you actually were stranded in the wilderness. The wilderness or the… or the Apocalypse. And fishing wasn't an option, and you had to make sure you and Five could survive, I _know_ you would have killed that rabbit." 

Luther gulped. "In a heartbeat." 

"Me too," Vanya said. "In a heartbeat." 

They smiled at each other. 

Then Mom came back with two glasses of milk and they enjoyed the brownies while watching cartoons. 

"A perfect pity party!" Klaus said, when he found them. "Can I join?" 

"The more the merrier," Luther said.

Klaus settled in between them, intertwining his left arm with Luther's right and throwing his right arm over Vanya's shoulders. 

"In these trying times," Klaus said. "we all need comfort." 

"I wish Five would let us comfort him too," Luther said. 

"He will," Klaus said. "Just give him time." 

"How much time?" 

"Um…" Klaus looked at Vanya. "Care to guess?" 

"I don't know," Vanya said. "But Five will come around."

"Right," Luther said. "He'll forgive me." 

"That kid can't hold a grudge to save his life," Klaus said. "Just look at all the times he forgave _me_ for my bullshit." 

"This is a very different situation," Vanya said. 

Klaus looked at her. 

"But you're absolutely right," Vanya added. "Five is a very forgiving person." 

"You hear that, Luth?" Klaus said. "If Vanya says so, it must be true. She's the Five whisperer." 

"Okay," Luther said. "Thanks, guys."

If time was what Five needed, Luther would give it to him. 

It was too bad he couldn't do anything more than that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Five is a problem solver: We're going to go back in time to catch up with Old Five. 😁 I'm sure everyone's curious to see how he's been enjoying his retirement in California.


End file.
